travel agents ireland: Love-Shyness: Why Some People Remain Perpetually Single ...

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Society needs to stop stigmatizing and start offering practical support to the love-shy and involuntary celibate people who struggle to form relationships.

?Loser,? ?Wanker,? ?Dried-up Virgin,? such are all common terms used in a derogatively manner to describe people who suffer from the conditions of love-shyness and involuntary celibacy (incel).

The term ?love-shy? was coined by psychologist Dr Brian Gilmartin in his book Shyness and Love: Causes, Consequences, and Treatment (Uinversity Press, 1987). Love-shyness can be broadly defined as long-term ?datelessness,? people whom, aside from reasons such as voluntary celibacy or asexuality, find themselves unable to form any kind of romantic relationship with a member of the opposite sex, no matter how hard they try. Whilst love-shys, despite having the desire for a relationship may suffer from an underlying phobia of romance and dating, Incels may have no difficulties in approaching but consistently find that any attempts to form relationships are turned down.

The terms love-shy and incel are best defined loosely and may be used interchangeably, as they cover a wide variety of different people and circumstances. People may be both love-shy and incel, and many will to some degree suffer both conditions, and the effects of both conditions are the same.

What Types of People are Love-shy?

Love-shyness affects both males and females worldwide, of all ages, and individuals are likely to suffer this condition for years or decades. It is estimated by Gilmartin that love-shyness affects 1.5% of adult males in the U.S, which when including females, would give a rough estimate 60 million people worldwide facing love-shyness.

Whilst there are some who have a handicap that could get in the way of a relationship, many love-shy or incel people are physically and emotionally healthy, appear normal in every way and may be considered pleasant and attractive individuals.

Gilmartin also estimated that 40% of love-shy individuals suffer from Asperger?s Syndrome, a mild form of autism in which sufferers typically have high intelligence but have difficulties functioning socially, including picking-up any non-verbal signals from a potential partner who is interested in them. Others may simply suffer from general social anxiety or have a shy, introverted temperment, which may be misrepresented as a aloofness or unfriendliness.

The roots of love-shyness or incel are likely to be set in childhood. Children who are naturally introverted and struggle to keep up with their peers socially may become increasingly withdrawn over the years, and find themselves growing into adulthood socially ill-equipped to enter into the dating scene.

It must be noted that many incels are actually outgoing socially, and many shy, introverted people are married on in relationships. This means exact causes of this condition are thus hard to pinpoint due to the limited research undertaken and the numerous variables involved. This can add to the problem for the person affected as they are unable to clearly pinpoint the reason they are like this.

The Absense of Professional Support and Stigmatization in Society Compound the Problems Faced by Love-Shys

The conditions of love-shyness and involuntary celibacy remain under-researched. Aside from the studies conducted in Shyness and Love, very little research has been undertaken. The lack of research means that the majority of people who cannot form relationships find that their condition remains unrecognised and unidentified.

Unlike individuals with drug or alcohol addictions, eating disorders, or self-harm, or couples who face relationship difficulties, the love-shy is left with no doctor to help and no support group to find counsel with like-minded individuals, and no treatment has become available to help such people form relationships. The lack of any following-up study from Gilmartin?s book has meant that his proposed treatment of ?pratice-dating? therapy suggested in his book have never been put into practice.

The lack of any recognition has also meant that individuals unable to form relationships continue to be commonly ridiculed as ?losers? in society. Those who form relationships with relative ease will usually have no appreciation or respect for those who have great difficulty in this area. Sufferers may be lead to believe the problem is their own fault and the advice from friends and family to ?just get out more and meet people? can simply exacerbate this. Sufferers who involuntarily remain single throughout their life may also be misunderstood as having chosen to live that way, when in reality they simply were unable to form the relationship they hoped for, and were in need of support that was never available to them.

It is important to note that for the majority of incels, the key issue may not be the act of sex itself but the lack of affectionate touching, holding and kissing and the general unconditional love and intimacy that comes in a relationship.

What Actions Can a Love-Shy Person Take to Help Themselves?

In spite of the lack of help or support, the love-shy or incel should not despair. There are actions they can take to find help.

To start with, one has to acknowledge their condition. A love-shy or incel needs to openly acknowledge he suffers from one or other, or both conditions. Being willing to identify yourself with a label can be the first step to finding the necessary help. There is enough information available online to enable the love-shy or incel to understand their condition. The person affected needs to acknowledge their condition to friends or family, join an online community of like-minded individuals and seek professional counselling if necessary.

These are the starting points towards obtaining practical help and eventually forming a meaningful relationship.

Resources to Help love-shys and incels

The love-shy.com Forum http://www.love-shy.com/lsbb/

The Incel Project http://www.involuntarycelibacy.com/index.html

On holiday near Ross on Wye, August 2011, Gillian Woodward

Christopher Woodward - Christopher Woodward's writing experiences grew out of his political interests that began in 2001, when he learnt much about the ...